Monkey Self-Portrait. That is all.

Best "before-and-after" home makeover ever: http://brute-ish.blogspot.com/2011/06/this-post-is-going-to-launch-me-into.html

Yes, it's my own. Just go with it. I need the self-esteem boost today.

Samuel L Jackson is narrating the kids' book Go the F**k to Sleep

Check the audio sample here.

real estate listings aren't getting better. in fact, with the current housing slump, they're only getting worse. but this one takes the cake.

shirtless fat man + small dog + stolen park bench = $38,500 of awesomeness

source: curbed

"Even from his earliest days, he was a hateful little fuck."

~ biography of Roald Dahl

via Kottke (as per usual)

New York in the 70s.

Facinating for many reasons. Some of which are picked up in the comments.

via Kottke

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE GENTLEMAN BLOW-DRYING HIS BALLS IN THE GYM LOCKER ROOM

"Does the courage to do this in public come with age? Perhaps it's something a young man like me can't understand. But you, you are on in years; gray and spotted like a ham in a paintball fight. Your scrotum reminds me of boardwalk taffy. Maybe you've been building up to this day your whole life and I'm witnessing the birth of a phoenix. You are no longer a man that blow-dries his balls in secret. You have transcended that station and now fall into an elite group of Spartans that blow-dry their balls wherever they God damn please. If caterpillars emerged from their cocoons as butterflies with heavy, sagging testicles I'd imagine they'd feel the same as you might right now."

Tina Fey: A Prayer for My Daughter

First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half and stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes and not have to wear high heels.

What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers and the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.

“My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.

Rare photos of famous people.

Covet.

Lenny Mud via Milk

The Most Dangerous Project Ever

Do you have a moment… for pure genius?

It is mandatory that you participate in this:

Flickr: What Did You Do For The Rapture.

Recent ER Consult

ID: 56 yo M from home, previously well
RFR: pain in penis

HPI: Pt was "playing around" last night after dinner and placed a 2cm oblong polished stone into his penile meatus. When he realized he was unable to remove it, he panicked and tried to pull it out, forcing it further up towards his bladder. Two hours later, after feeding his chickens and helping his neighbour move a table, he presents to the ED. During examination, he repeatedly stresses that he is "not gay."

Pelvic XR: fails to demonstrate any radio-luscent mass in his urinary tract. Bladder is clear.

Assessment: paraphilia versus delusional disorder

Plan: To home. Return to clinic if any difficulty voiding. Followup with family physician.

Today's HOLY WHAT THE FUCK!!???:

"The UFO crash at Roswell was actually Josef Stalin’s “War of the Worlds” stab at mass panic using German flying “discs” carrying deformed children aviators engineered by Nazi mad doctor Josef Mengele, a new book contends."

Toronto Star

This is a photo. Yes, for reals.

National Geographic via Kottke

Today's brutal: a Canadian take on the KFC Double-Down.

When litter strikes, WHERE WILL YOOOOOOOU BE?!!

dear everysingleoneofmypatients,

Also, you need never search again for something good or interesting to read on the Interwebs: http://www.theatlantic.com/entertainment/archive/2011/05/nearly-100-fantastic-pieces-of-journalism/238230/

TV-style iPad dock. Fuck yes please.

As though I needed another reason to want an iPad.

They should have tied these into the last season of Lost. Heaven knows, they threw pretty much everything else into that shite season.


Yugoslavian Monuments.

Cry Havoc! and let loose the Cats of War.

Art + hipsters + urban survivalists = head explodingly awesome.

Abigail Newbold via Sweet Juniper.

hipsters under every lamp shade

finally. an album that makes me feel like spring is here.

FYI. this record is better than their first. and that's saying a lot.

this bike makes me happy. so beautiful. these guys make some really nice stuff.

When cats sit like people.

A review of the newly-launched SUN Media (aka Fox North):

"Caldwell has a signature line, which he repeated at least twice yesterday: “In the marketplace of ideas, you need buyers and sellers. That’s how you find the price of the truth.” I’m not sure that actually makes any sense, but I’m willing to put it on a poster alongside a kitten dangling from a tree branch and give it a shot."

Seriously. Someone else needs to watch the "promo" video and tell me that it isn't a joke. These people are serious and IT HURTS MY BRAIN.

In case you missed the debates, here's a summary:

A professor of social sciences at Cardiff University in Great Britain, Collins has spent his career studying other scientists.

In particular, Collins has spent more than 35 years following scientists who work in the field of gravitational wave physics. That's how I found out about him, during a dinner in February with several gravitational wave physicists who work at the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee. They kept talking about "our sociologist", who attended their meetings, took notes during their debates, and generally seemed to observe and record their behavior the way Jane Goodall did with chimpanzees.

http://www.boingboing.net/2011/04/14/the-scientist-who-st.html

From an (actually funny) email forward I got today:

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE : BY JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Scat-attack: http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/politics/ottawa-notebook/scatological-attack-on-stephen-harpers-record-goes-viral/article1984598/

7 Basic Things You Won't Believe You're All Doing Wrong


#7 is "pooping" but they totally missed out by not making it #2. Snicker.

i've read the Green Party platform and there's no question where my vote will go. and if there was any doubt, this pic totally clinched it for me. never wanted a motor vehicle to flip so much.

credit: cbc

the next time that someone tells you Netlfix has nothing good, punch them in the face.

then tell them hf sent you.

eBoy.

i love this guy's art so much. very Where's Waldo?

Actual government office cafeteria-fail.

Round #1:



For clarification:

The Learning Channel announces new Spring line-up.

I think we can all agree that we'll be tuning-in to "Dwarf Hoarders" Mondays.

FFFFOUND! the fukushima fifty

SnoopDog makes mashed potatoes with Martha: watch.

snoop: you gonna put black pepper, too?
martha: no, we have white pepper for some reason
snoop: i ain’t never seen white pepper befo’. i don’t like that. i like black pepper.
martha: CAN WE HAVE BLACK PEPPER? BLAAAACK PEPPERRRRR PLEASE!!!
snoop: my granny’d be so proud of me right now.

Via Yes!

Jack Layton's moustache is a national treasure. But does it look as glorious on Justin Bieber, Britney Spears...or Stephen Harper?

By now, everyone should know how I feel about RR. Not good. Pretty bad, actually. Tyra Banks bad. And that was before I knew she was a cannibal.

But it begs the question: can she cook the other other white meat in under 30 mins?

Phil likes to dance. In the TO subway and No Frills: http://www.youtube.com/user/philipvilleneuve#p/u/6/hM29SJspHhU

Mmmm, donuts.

Via the much better-named than our blog: Geyser of Awesome

Thankful that our mother hasn't gotten a cellphone yet: http://parentsshouldnttext.com/155/moms-dont-understand-lol/

Brilliant sister-site: http://jesusgetsaround.com/

Explaining the Fukushima nuclear crisis to children. Using poop and farts: video

6 animals that humans accidentally made way scarier:

Man-Sized Jellyfish: Nature's way of saying, "fuck right off, divers."

this is nine kinds of awesome. see if you can spot them all.

Today's Holy Fuck: Japan has moved 13 feet and GPS doesn't work there anymore.

I love that they've moved towards the US. Cue "yellow fever" conspiracy rumours. I guess it is one way for Toyota to reduce shipping costs...

VICE magazine, known for it's insightful and provocative articles on topics like "can anyone really eat 50 eggs?" and "how to get your girlfriend interested in anal sex" has now moved its magic to the internet. The Dos and Don'ts section is a god-send for those of us stuck at a desk five days a week. Here is one of my fav's. I love that they used the word perineum. That's class.


"Yes, she’s a bit Eurotrashy. But is there anybody alive looking at this that doesn’t want to just sink their teeth into her perineum and wave her around in the air like a great white does to a baby seal on Discovery Channel Shark Week?"

Best charity poster ever.

apparently this man is living the sequel to Forty Year Old Virgin, tentatively titled Pirate Ship Bedroom.

this just in: passport ownership prevents diabetes. ahem. excuse me. dia-beet-us.

Can someone please stop me from obsessively looking at these pics?

http://theselby.com/10_21_10_EileenMarkLA/

via JJJJound

Best restaurant review ever:

"What you actually find when you arrive at L'Ami Louis is singularly unprepossessing. It's a long, dark corridor with luggage racks stretching the length of the room. It gives you the feeling of being in a second-class railway carriage in the Balkans. It's painted a shiny, distressed dung brown. The cramped tables are set with labially pink cloths, which give it a colonic appeal and the awkward sense that you might be a suppository. In the middle of the room is a stubby stove that also looks vaguely proctological."

A.A. Gill via Kottke

Because RW is totally obsessed with this: the trailer for the sequel to E.T. the movie

Charlie Sheen v Muammar Gaddafi: whose line is it anyway?

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/quiz/2011/mar/01/muammar-gaddafi-charlie-sheen-quiz

Sartorialist, eat your heart out. Despot swag in full effect.

Why Ottawa needs to blow up the Rideau River every year

Tell me this isn't your dream job and I'll call you a liar.

I'm not sure if this is gonna make the Swan rethink his retirement planning for our dear mother, but it's worth posting anyways.

Sesame Street Mix

Cripple Creek: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXkM11kp_asttg

Slayer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DWCJfCP_ISM

Bert and Ernie Gangster Rap: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=21OH0wlkfbc&feature=related

Parov Stelar

"How is Justin Beiber famous and he's not?"

A stylish gnome: http://gnomebomb.tumblr.com/

a pox on the phoney king of Libya.

the sequel to goodnight moon.

way back before radiohead (but after george michael), somewhere deep in the BC woods, this band was the business

crank it.

I'll stop with the dooce after this I promise: http://www.dooce.com/2011/02/21/yes-post-about-radiohead-you-cannot-possibly-be-surprised

This entire store is on my Christmas list: http://www.cafepress.com/FunnyOrDie/7491599

RW was browsing the interwebs and innocently stumbled across this:

"hot asian chick levitates" http://yowayowacamera.com/

Another reason to know about Arcade Fire: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QeHV3tyNQ60&feature=player_embedded

Baby trashes bar in Las Palmas

The "Back to the Future" series by photographer Irina Werning is amazing.

If you only ever read one Dooce post, read this one: http://www.dooce.com/2011/02/14/matters-heart


This is why she makes the big bucks.

Excuse me while I go watch some botfly videos.

Carstache

I'm not even a much of a fan but this I adore:
http://whoisarcadefire.tumblr.com/

This caption and comment thread are perfect: http://www.flickr.com/photos/85631341@N00/5361602480/

Now THAT is what a hotdog should look like. People (me) mock the Germans (constantly) but they have made street meat an art form.

This blog (it's her photo) makes me want to move to Berlin. Definitely my favourite of all the European places I staggered through while gestating the kid.

This is the best sentence I've read in weeks:

"The wife of a British MP is accused of stealing her husband's daughter's kitten from his mistress's home."

I love it when other people's families are more f-ed up than our own.

if someone wrote you a love song from a lonely prison cell on another planet, this is what it would sound like.

RIP White Stripes

They're done. And it looks like I can never check them off my list of bands to see.

The rise of the alot has been swift and glorious. In less than 2 years, it has moved from the tongue of the ill-educated onto the key-stroking fingers of many a blogger. It is the favorite pet of more than one president named Bush. Never mind what your autocorrect may say, the alot is real and it is here to stay.

Then:


Now:


Courtesy of the 'Memba Them gallery.

Fox News is the devil. Pure and simple. Way to take a democratic revolution and twist it into an Islamic theocratic takeover. Might I suggest that not every Boogeyman wears a turbin.

Of course, part of me is excited to see how Fox News is going to turn the Nobel Peace prize winning leader of the revolution into a monster. Break out the popcorn.

Look, someone bought us a url: http://www.seacaptaindate.com/

further proof that SportCenter (proudly Canadian) is the best show on tv

Sid and I were just chatting the other day about how bacon is like culinary duct tape. Apparently, it's also a gateway drug.

See you on the other side, RW.

Ok, I win, this video may be the most awesome thing all year.

Scratch that. I think we have to close the blog down after this video. To quote a comment: "This is the awesomest awesome that ever awesomed."

Autocomplete suggestions: kidnapping = yes; bittorrent = no.

Guerilla Dance Party. Check it.


"The Spanish guerrilla collective flo6x8 has been making a series of benignly disruptive and moving actions in banks, as protest for what they believe is a corrupt system. They favor flamenco, with its roots in Andalucian gypsy culture, as their means of expression, most often with dancing or singing."

via The Improvised Life.

The Story Hotel in Stockholm.

Make your travel (and future home) plans accordingly.

via Grey

When I was in Bruges (no, not "In Bruges", there were no midgets), I was in this shop. Despite wanting to puke my guts out the whole time (damned fetus), I remember wishing I could spend more time and money there. Remodelista approves of my opinion it seems. I adore the validation of my good taste.

take that, Patricia Heaton. Looks like it's giving birth that makes you miserable. Abortions for all.

Not so much "awesome" as "totally fucking mindblowing":

"For the second year in a row, the U.S. military has lost more troops to suicide than it has to combat in Iraq and Afghanistan."

Congress.org via kottke

not the most masculine fellow. but damn is this a fine song.

yeah. my first post is on skin care.

this stuff is amazing and very cheap and easily the best-kept skincare secret going. tiny amounts of retinol keep zits at bay and moisture to boot. now be about it...and stop snickering.

Roman and Williams via Defgrip

Print Liberation via Swiss Miss